Ghosts Next Door

Ghosts Next Door
by Lopaka Kapanui

Apr 17, 2022

Loo 2022

Fucking bathrooms at the mall are specifically designed for tourists with smaller body frames so they can fit in the stall.

It's evident that these fucking places aren't put together for the convenience and comfort of local people. More especially us Hawaiians and Polynesians. I can hardly fit in the stall as it is, but what's even worse is that there is hardly any space for me to reach around and clean my behind. This was definitely designed on purpose. If you were going to go this far to make a bathroom stall this small to fit smaller-framed tourists, then why not go the extra step and have the jet stream of water that shoots in and around your bunghole to clean up all the major shit? Literally and figuratively?

I had to stand up in an awkward position to do it, and even then, I barely got out of the fucking stall. Fuck! I'm washing my hands at the sink, and I'm irritated. I'm glaring at myself in the mirror, barely holding it in. I really want to punch someone, but not the mirror. That's just juvenile. I want the assistant manager or THE manager to come in here and say something asinine to me so I'll have an excuse to clean their clock. Imagine my surprise when another Hawaiian brother walks in and heads to one of the stalls. "Bro!" I call out to him. "Those stalls are way too small; even I had a hard time getting in and out. Maybe try the handicapped stall; it's got more room!" I suggested.

"Sorry, my brother," he apologized. "This is really bad; I gotta go!" He swung the door open and squeezed himself inside. Turning to face his back to the toilet, he got stuck; I could tell because his feet were in an awkward position. "Oh, shit! Fuck!" He cried out. Before I could do anything to help him, a mini-robotic, self-operating forklift came into the bathroom and obliterated the stall with the Hawaiian man still in it. 

"You faka," the robotic monosyllabic voice from the forklift said. "You like fucking complain? Go use one oddah fucking stall somewhere else, you fucking asshole!" The Hawaiian brother walked over to where I was standing, still shook up from what just happened.

What brah?" The robot forklift whipped around in my direction. "What, you faka? You complaining too, hah?"

"The bathroom stalls are too fucking small, you fucking prick! How do you expect us to fit inside? For a robot, you're really fucking stupid!" I screamed back. I was still pissed about what happened to me just a minute previous.

The robot forklift whipped back around and focused a green light beam on a stall that wasn't destroyed. Beep, quirks, and other strange sounds came from it until it stopped. "Fuck!" The robot forklift yelled. "The fucking thing is way off! Who the fuck did all the measurements? Fuck, so sorry, my braddahs, I gotta go find out who when fuck this up, and we go fix 'um. Gimme your game cards fast kine, my braddahs; I give you unlimited plays, no worries!" The robot blipped and quirked and whipped out of the bathroom, swearing and complaining. Well, shit? I guess somebody was listening to my grievances after all? 

Credit: Alta One



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